I'm down!. Have just spent n hour trawling the local shoe shops to buy some shoes and trainers for my wee one. Having got 3 pairs of footwear..shoes for school, trainers and kick about shoes at unearthly prices for a child just outta nappies, I'm absolutely horrified to find that my child has turned into the spoiled brat from hell!
They started out being warned that any aggro in the shop and we would be buying zip...which was completely unrealistic as the child has gone up a full shoe size and if nothing had been bought I would be hauled up on neglect charges. However the warning in place, which usually suffices I might add, off we went.
The feet were measured and I picked out a semi reasonable pair of shoes that we both agreed on were ok for school. Hurdle no 1 overcome without too much trauma.
The 2nd pair for kickin about in weren't too much of an ordeal either....they picked out a delightful pair that we both liked and as it was their choice I was more than happy to concede defeat.
The trainers....I knew the good going was too good to last.
We came out of the shoe shop with the start of a major tantrum. Very unwisely I took small child into shoe shop number 2. We or rather should I say I found a suitable pair of trainers. My child hated them on sight. Unperturbed by the onset of a most outrageous tantrum I bought them anyway. I could've fed an entire room full of people for the amount I spent on shoes today.
The tantrum erupted full bore. Crying and whingeing enough to have people doing that 'Aaaahhh!' 'poor mite' thing. You know the way people look at a small child crying and you can see them thinking 'What have you done to them?' accusatory look. Yep...that was me...evil mommy.
What made it worse was that my small child then proceeded to try to get my partner to side with them.
As if it isn't bad enuf that they make you feel about 2 inches tall, they have to play you off one against the other and then they have the audacity to tell Granny that they didn't like them!
Soooo.....I'm unhappy and feeling crap. I feel like I'm failing as a mom. There's no instruction manual and I WANT ONE.....NOW!!!!!

It's Tuesday n already the botch up with days has started. I hate bank holidays. I never know what day it is normally without the added stress of trying to figure out what day it is after a bank holiday.
My man is poorly. Not just poorly but dying in fact....then again what else could he be?...its man-flu!
I'm going to have to strip the bed as he's left me a delightful puddle on it thanks to his profuse sweating...mmmm!....NICE!!!
My wee one was late for school this morning too....my ever so poorly man switched the alarm off...couldn't just hit the snooze button could he?...noooo!...had to turn it off altogether. He can be forgiven this time...seeing's as he's dying n all that. Wont be so forgiving next time though.
The weather is gorgeous here today. 2 days in a row....this isn't good. I get the feeling that we're being lulled into a false sense of security. Rain and lots of it will be just round the corner.
Did you see the tv prog called 'Flood' that was on over the weekend. I did n really had wished I hadn't bothered. I mean I live a million miles away from London but I do live near a sizeable body of water and the images on that programme did absolutely nothing to ease my ever impending sense of doom!. Maybe my paranoia is getting out of control.
Due to the 'nice' weather the insect population seems to have had a boom. Have you seen the size of the bees this yr?. My god! Who needs radiation experiments. Give them global warming. They've doubled in size from last yr. I'm phobic....and I mean phobic when it comes to bees. Its ridiculous really but there you go. Something else to add to my 'wonderful' genetic make-up.
I'm sure they have built in sensors too. I wonder if anyone has tested to see if bees can sense fear. Maybe someone should then get back to me to let me know. Every time I attempt to go out they attack. Its probably funny in one sense but believe me...after numerous narrow broken neck misses I don't find it funny no more. I'm sure I'm gonna end up agoraphobic if I don't combat it.
I went to see my shrink....she's decided that a visit to a local bee keeper might be the answer....errr!....I think if she really wants to risk being put on her ass as I try to hot foot it out of there then by all means...but I'm not the smallest of women and I wouldn't like to tackle me on friendly terms let alone hostile ones!!!!
Anyways I've been told to think about it. ...Thought!....Decided its not the answer.

Im still here!. Cant quite work me out though. Had a super day at work....am enjoyin it whilst it lasts seeing as im unemployed again after Friday.
In fact today my mood sorta suited the day. Fresh!
I wish my feelings and thoughts would stabilise though. I soooo dont need them yawing around the way they are. One minute im at the bottom (hence previous post..for which my apologies if i scared anyone...not intended!) the next im about as high as it gets.
I know everyone has swings of emotion and feeling but i feel like im on a permanent rollercoaster and it can be quite scary.
Im battling my revulsion for my appearance at the moment. I hate me!.
I have rolls that would put a bakery to shame....and my skin has reverted back to teenage hormone status. Im way past that ffs.
Wish i could put it down to bad living but i cant...unfortunately. I eat very healthily (ok i have the occasional choc bar thrown in...im human what can i say?) and i exercise regularly. I just cannot shift the weight.
My partner loves me as i am...but how can he?...honestly. No one...if they are being 100% truthful...likes the sight of pale wobbly flesh. Its vile!
I have a great personality im told....but you know what?...id swap it anyday for a svelte size 10/12 and clear skin.
I think i will go an watch an action movie...escapism works wonders!

Today im feeling the lowest ive felt for a long time. Im entertaining thoughts of just ending it ...once and for all!
I've read the literature on suicide...it doesnt make me feel any better.
Funny that people who write this stuff obviously havent felt the way i feel right now. I mean how can anyone know how anyone else is feeling REALLY.
The sky is blue...its cold but a gorgeous day. Ive animals runnin round the garden...my child is playin outside, my partner is away but due back in the next few days. I mean i should be happy...positive.
Im not. Im lonely. Unhappy...up to my neck in debt and i see no way out.
The fone calls keep coming. Ive written letters til my wrist hurts to explain my situation. I cant stop spending money i dont have. Not on luxuries...but on food and livin costs. I suppose i do spend on dvds but i have no social life to speak of so i was goin crazy sittin in the house. I think i have a gambling problem....im relyin on winnin to get me thru the week.
Ive got 18 yrs of rape n abuse bottled up. I see a psych....once a week is more than i can stomach. None of it helps. Talkin bout it doesnt help. It doesnt change my situation nor does it stop me feeling how i feel.
I feel like NOBODY...if i was invisible i would still be stepped on. No matter how many steps forward i take....there is inevitably someone there to push me back 5 steps for each one forward.
I cant see any end to this. Im writin this purely to stop me from pickin up the knife i have next to me and carving a lovely new line of notches in my arm. I'm a self harmer you see....and right now...the urge to cut is almost consuming.
I know this sounds like a load of self pity...it probably is. Im makin no excuses for that. Im tired of fighting to live.
I saw a mate yesterday. Shes got a relatively stress free life. I envy to the point of ridiculous. Wasnt one of the commandments supposed to be 'thou shalt not covet your neighbour'?
Im going to go outside and walk around....will it help? Probably not. But i have to try something.

Dunno what's come over me these past 2 posts....resorted to some sort of attempt at 'poetry'.(dare i deign it with the title...lol)
Im not morose usually. Just find it easier to write my bad stuff here instead of carryin it round with me.
I nightmare really badly you see. Usually when im stressed. Im already on adrenalin overload...(well so my doc says anyway).....so ive decided that writing all my negativity down is more productive and helpful to my cause. Hopefully by writing it down im not takin it to bed with me...
Well thats the theory anyways.
So thats my explanation for the 'poetry'...my apologies to anyone who writes poems on a professional basis...
Im just expressin myself thats all....

Expanding, taut, smooth and pale
Firm, but giving and prominent
Can this really be me?
Years of indulgence
Catching up and showing?

Short but cute, warm and giving
What does it matter?
Beautifully attired and presentable
Pretty inside and out
Head turning but which way?

Wonder what they see
Confident? Secure? Happy?
A performance worthy of an Oscar
Wonder if they see what they miss?
Probably not

Everywhere is criticism
Everyone’s a critic
Wonder if they judge
Bet they do
Not as much as I do

Every bite’s a punishment
Every bite’s a reward
Every bite’s an ecstasy
Every bite is an ordeal
Every bite’s a served reminder

Of how fat I really am!!!

I'm sitting by a window....
Gazing out to sea.....
I've thoughts that toss and tumble....
In my head, revolving endlessly.

Clouds scudding by....
a breeze ruffles my hair....
people living lives....
about my life, what do they care?

Young, alone but not.....
trapped in drudge and routine....
wishing I had the looks/hair/body
over which I could fuss and preen.

family life and values....
Is something of which I'm supposed to be proud.....
Drowned by money, sex and violence....
All of it much to loud.

Gone are safety and security....
Replaced by harm and fear....
My life, is gazing out this window....
Its lonely, cold and clear!

I am soooooo F***king angry right now. The sort of anger that has my blood boiling and makes me want to throw the telephone across the room. Blood pressure is probably at 90 000 ft by now and still climbing. so here i am.
After a very fruitless conversation with a CSA call handler im informed that my maintenance has been paid. Hoooorrrrayy for small mercies. Its probably the 1st time its been paid on time. Most times i have to spend ridiculous amounts of times being bounced around their telephone system until they find it. Not this time.
However its been some 6 weeks plus since a very 'nice' man informed me that quote 'he would assure me that my case would be looked into and someone would get back to me within approx 4 weeks'unquote.
In the meantime id spoken to another supervisor or someone in charge who informs me exactly the same ....another empty promise....that someone would get back to me with the details of exactly what has been happening with my file. And what is happening?. ZIP! thats what. And all the while i have this girl (probably just left school and doing nothing better than filing her nails) sounding all bored and irritated that i dare ask to speak to someone in charge.
All i want is for someone to come see me with all the information they hold so that i can check that the information they hold is correct. You'd think id asked for the crown jewels the way they are draggin their feet.
Arent you supposed to be able to see whats being written about you these days????
So now im in the wrong coz i got angry and swore at them down the fone for messin me about. I wouldnt need to be losin my rag if theyd do their f***in job in the first place. I dont even know who to turn to in terms of complaining about them. I mean theyre a law unto themselves arent they?
God! i hate government agencies.

Its peeing down here today. Dull and miserable...
Gonna struggle to get my head together today. Maybe im just a miserable person...although im told im not.
Am still waiting for the local council to get their act together n sort out my benefit. Theyre quick to hound me for the council tax if im a day late...it really irritates me that when im waiting for them i get told that it will be ready when its ready n not before. Typical government agency.
My next gripe is gonna be with the CSA...or whatever theyre called these days. Im reachin the end of my rope with them. Years this has been going on now. Had an MP sort it out once n now im back to square one again. They dont have a clue whats goin on in their own departments. I need an MP again...but not likely to get the one i would like. Im conservative and would you believe that the only conservative MP for the whole of the north east is in Hexham?. Have asked for their help only to be told that bcoz i dont live in their constituancy im not eligible. How nice!
Got one of my guinea pigs in the house....she was gettin bullied. Shes adorable. We've got the biggest run ever outside the house n she still ended up gettin pinned in the corner. I only got the other 2 coz her roomy got munched by a neighbours dog...now theyve set up some racket against her. Poor thing. As a result of the rain the rest of the clan (3 guineas n 2 rabbits) are gonna be confined to their hutches today. Theyre gonna get cabin fever....gonna have to hope that the rain breaks for a bit today to get em out. Even if its just for an hour or so.
My little one is away on a day trip with the school today. The kids are gonna get soaked. Was gonna volunteer to help...but ended up takin a neighbour to look at some stuff....my good deed for the day. Anyways hope the kids have a great day regardless.
Am discovering that this blog business is quite therapeutic. Its nice to vent without gettin any aggro for it. My partner is adorable but even he has a breaking point i suppose. Its nice to just vent in relative quietness.

I've never done one of these before. Should be interesting.
Having had my vehicle repossessed i didnt really think things could get much worse. Im really going to miss my car. Alright it wasnt that great a car...but it was mine (well sort of...as much as havin a car on finance will allow it to be mine)
As a consequence...im now jobless...well will be after the end of next month. No car = no transport to job.
People have been really nice. They've offered to help. Never realised how humiliating being broke can be. I keep gettin people sayin i should write a book....im not that brave. Wish i was.
Im sick of trying to make ends meet. I know i shouldnt complain...i have a roof over my head...food in my belly...a loving family and my priority bills are all paid....but you know what? Im not happy. I should be. But im not.
I feel an utter failure....as a mom....as a g/friend ....a daughter....but mainly as a person. I feel like the world owes me something....it doesnt. I know that. Cant help the way i feel though.
The government bleat on about gettin moms back to work....you go back n then they give you tax credits....wooohoooo. Then...n this is the bit that kills me....they inform you that because you get tax credits....which increases your income....you get your other benefits reduced.
So basically it works like this....
You get rent n council tax benefit paid fully.....
You get a job part time 16 hours...n get £100 a week e.g
You notify said council...
They reduce your benefit....
Tax credits dont cover up the amount they reduce it by.
I really dont see how it helps or is that me just being cynical?