its been some time since ive written anything. If im truthful...i couldnt be arsed. Besides i only use this to write the bollox that floats round my head. Ive been too busy to write...and too knackered. I am soooo tired that even that is wearing me out.
Im still trying to get pregnant...its soo not happening. Hes been tested and is fine...im duff...no pun intended.
Its not every day these days that i think bout my life....at least not in a way that brings me down. Im generally very happy n contented with my lot. Specially given the life ive had. Not many people can count themselves as fortunate as ive been.
Im miserable and i dont have the slightest clue why?
Is it the pregnancy not happening? I dont think so...im of the attitude that if it happens bonus...if it doesnt its no big deal as i already have 1 child. Besides im lucky to even have that one.
Is it work?..nah dont think so..i love my job.
Really honestly...i think im just fucked up in the head. I think ive got defective something in me that makes me down. Whatever the fuck it is i wish it would quit.
Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and PTSD...but i was always of the understanding that you could outgrow these? Maybe im wrong.
I know that every so often i can be living a relatively normal life n then the next thing i know im ....well....psychotic. Its so not funny. I hate myself. It doesnt help that no matter how much i try i cant like me at all. I look in the mirror and all i see is a fat lardy ugly cow...fuck if i was a dairy cow id probably be turning my own milk.
How can you learn to love yourself.
I blame the rape...i really have tried to not let the fuckers win. I get up every morning and tell myself its a new day and that i have to not let it get to me. I get all these images and thoughts going round my head at the rate of a cyclone and it depresses me. Ive been counselled...i run rings round them. It doesnt help that im intelligent ...way above average intelligent..sometimes i think theres something in being thick...you cant dissect everything and look for the be and end all reason for something and the way it ticks. It would be so nice to not give a fuck...but i do. I care way to much. I have a level of empathy for things that im sure is not healthy.(im the only person i know that cried at terminator 2!!!!)...seriously though...how fucked up is that?
I have no friends as such...the ones i did have have so let me down that its made me question my sense of judgement. I prefer the company of strangers.
Am i a loner?
Maybe i should look at the rape...i mean properly....then again...dont think im ready...is there ever a good time...its been over 15 yrs and i still cant bring myself to think about it. It brings the feeling of fear that i had then back...i hate it. It makes me mad too. Im not that person anymore. I suppose i have to be grateful to the whole thing too though...its made me who i am now ...personality ...i mean. people say im a nice person and im a good person to know....is it those whole horrible episodes that have made me this way...would i have been a bad person if the rape hadnt happened. It wasnt just the once either..it was all i knew from an early age...thats a long time and it wasnt just one person either...several. Life sucked then. But im still here so i guess i dealt huh? By rights the amount of times ive tried to kill myself i should be dead now.
Ive read the literature on what it means to be raped....how im supposed to feel....you know what?....i dont know what to feel. I should be angry..im not. I should be scared....im not. Its almost like ive just shut down that side of me...and yeah im supposed to do that too...but no one tells you how long it lasts for...i mean ffs its been over 15 yrs...surely i should be so over this now?
How do i feel? Ok...lets explore that.
DISAPPOINTED:
really disappointed. im disappointed in me..for still hanging onto this. Im disappointed in a system for letting me down. I would NEVER tell anyone to report rape. Its a crock of shit that you will be receiving justice. Reality check....nine times out of ten the offender will get a slap on the wrist and a hefty fine...you arent gonna get back what they took...even if they did get meted out a worthwhile sort of punishment. I used to want to put em thru the same shit....i dont no more. i just want them to fuck off and leave me alone.
Im disappointed in my friends and family...another reason for saying nothing and just dealing with it...no matter how close you are...it will still affect them and their judgement of you. They either pity you...or hate you if its a family member...or resent you for not having the bollox to fight them off and even worse blame you for allowing it or provoking it in the first place.
Im disappointed in my feelings and how they arent panning out like some leaflet in a rape clinic.
Most of all im disappointed in life. Nothing has any flavour or excitement anymore.
ANGRY: i dont think i am angry...anger doesnt cover it. Fury...now thats a word....or rage. It scares me how i get sometimes. Sometimes i picture scenes when im rowing with my partner of carnage. Its like something out of a movie. Alternate shots...1 normal argument...the other is blood guts gore and usually me in the middle of it in a red zone. Its partly why i dont lose my temper. Im afraid that if i do...all those years of abuse will finally get an outlet. I like my freedom too much...and even that is a contradiction in terms coz im trapped in my own vicious cycle of hell thats in my head.
Its late..am gonna go try to chill...(if only you could know how cold i am!) Relax thats what i need to do...yeah im running away again...SO WHAT!!!