Its raining....AGAIN!!!....so much for global 'warming'. Global washout maybe. Normally I don't mind the rain...but after continual downpours I'm gettin a bit fed up with it. Not to mention the fact that coz its peeing down I cant get my animals outside and it makes them grumpy too!
I'm a touch worried too anyways. Normally I have a seriously healthy sex drive....well maybe too healthy....but lately I have to admit I really cant be bothered with it. Its not for any particular reason other than the fact that it just seems too much of a chore. Maybe its coz I'm workin too hard but I don't think so. Its just the whole effort thing. I just cant work myself up into gettin excited. And I have to tell you its the weirdest feeling ever.
I've spent my whole life using sex to get what I want or where I want to be and therefore its always been a massively important factor in my life. To suddenly find myself just not bothered with it is....well frankly it bothers me! Do you lose interest in sex when you hit mid thirties???
Life otherwise is ok...work work n more work so no different to the rest of the population there. Think I'm fucked up in the head though coz I cant help feeling that I was put here for more than work though. My thoughts these days are really random its scary.
Sat yesterday n nearly drove myself into a major panic episode coz I got to thinkin about dying and what it would feel like. Really pointless exercise coz of course no one knows and unless you have a really strong faith in some sort of religion its a really scary prospect. I was trying to imagine THE END!. It inevitably scared me stupid and then I got annoyed for being so stupid in feeding the thought in the first place. Its not a subject that sits particularly well with me anyways...which in itself is a huge contradiction in terms seeings as I've spent quite a bit of my life on one long suicide mission.. How bizarre!!!
I've given a lot of thought to the dying subject and I keep wanting to put it into some neat little box. It doesn't fit. I've attempted suicide a number of times but you know what?...I don't really want to die...well not at this minute anyways. I suppose I do at the time. Sometimes thoughts can get so heavy you can almost feel the weight of them pressing down on you in a truly physical sense. Its suffocating.
I've read a lot of literature on the subject of suicide and self harming and I've concluded that the 2 really have nothing to do with one another. I self harm too....but it has nothing to do with wanting to die. I've been doing it since I was 15 yr old. I still do it. It doesn't make me a huge suicide risk. The fact that I keep attempting suicide makes me a risk...not the self harming. In fact I would go so far as to say that the self harming actually prevents me from committing suicide.
Self harming for me is an escape...its a way of controlling the feelings and thoughts that I have swirling round my head. I cant control other aspects of my life which creates the thoughts n feelings that I have so I self harm. It releases pent up frustration/anger/grief and any other crap that I might be feeling at that time. When I got raped I lost all control....by self harming I regain my equilibrium if you like.
Anyways can any one person really counsel/relate to another?...I don't think so. Thoughts n feelings are individual....as individual as the person that creates them. No one can ever truly relate to them...there can be similarities I admit...but never true understanding.
Ok...I'm starting to get philosophical now...time to stop.
Where i live in Scotland, we have the highest Suicide rates in the whole of the UK.
Personally, i know of about 4 young guys my age who have suceeded in the task...
Me? Never thought about it, life is a game that i'm going to beat - it will not beat me.
Sex? Sex is great, at least what i remember of it - But with all things it does take effort, there were times i coulfnt be arsed either but on the flipside i was working 14 hour shifts at the time.
Using sex to get where/what you want is no bad thing, at the end of the day we all as humans have a survival mechanism installed inside us as part of our DNA passed down from our cavemen ancestors. Humans want sex, swap sex for something other human wants, survival in that situation complete. Job done
Your drive will change depending on your mood i guess.
Anyway, the most interesting thing you said above was thinking about dying, it really is a baffeling thought what happens to you when you do.
You see, the human mind is a simple logic engine that works on the following principle:
1. A beginning
2. An End
3. A Reason
Thats why in life some people worship a God and believe they created everything - A Beginning.
The End is when you die, but this leads to number 3. - The reason...
Do you die becuase a better life awaits? Maybe, but probably not. You brain gets depleted of its blood supply due to your stopping heart and dies, hence - you die.
I think it will be a bit like when you goto sleep without dreaming, only you wont wake up. To sum it up, it will be a bit boring, verging on Shite, even.
I dont understand the need to punish yourself by means of hacking yourself up, lol. I could think of a list of people id rather mutilate than myself.
You stated you have a man in previous posts, im guessing quite a good one based on the issues (i hate that word, sorry) you describe yourself to have..
This alone negates the reason for you to try and stop the clock so to speak, the fact that if nobody else gave a shit, he always will - and this is the essence of our existence here on Earth, to find someone not that you can live with, but rather someone with whom you cannot live without.
Alas there is a downside, he cannnot console your thoughts as you stated - they are inside your head and experienced only by you. But again knowing you have the support of 'Bloke' should ease things up a bit; and if it doesnt...
Then that makes you an ungrateful cunt then my fair maiden. heh.
Chin up, fucker!
B