Today im feeling the lowest ive felt for a long time. Im entertaining thoughts of just ending it ...once and for all!
I've read the literature on suicide...it doesnt make me feel any better.
Funny that people who write this stuff obviously havent felt the way i feel right now. I mean how can anyone know how anyone else is feeling REALLY.
The sky is blue...its cold but a gorgeous day. Ive animals runnin round the garden...my child is playin outside, my partner is away but due back in the next few days. I mean i should be happy...positive.
Im not. Im lonely. Unhappy...up to my neck in debt and i see no way out.
The fone calls keep coming. Ive written letters til my wrist hurts to explain my situation. I cant stop spending money i dont have. Not on luxuries...but on food and livin costs. I suppose i do spend on dvds but i have no social life to speak of so i was goin crazy sittin in the house. I think i have a gambling problem....im relyin on winnin to get me thru the week.
Ive got 18 yrs of rape n abuse bottled up. I see a psych....once a week is more than i can stomach. None of it helps. Talkin bout it doesnt help. It doesnt change my situation nor does it stop me feeling how i feel.
I feel like NOBODY...if i was invisible i would still be stepped on. No matter how many steps forward i take....there is inevitably someone there to push me back 5 steps for each one forward.
I cant see any end to this. Im writin this purely to stop me from pickin up the knife i have next to me and carving a lovely new line of notches in my arm. I'm a self harmer you see....and right now...the urge to cut is almost consuming.
I know this sounds like a load of self pity...it probably is. Im makin no excuses for that. Im tired of fighting to live.
I saw a mate yesterday. Shes got a relatively stress free life. I envy to the point of ridiculous. Wasnt one of the commandments supposed to be 'thou shalt not covet your neighbour'?
Im going to go outside and walk around....will it help? Probably not. But i have to try something.
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gogsblogs
- 2008-04-19 @ 12:40:35
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chewy
- 2008-04-20 @ 00:27:37
Thank you for your kind words....as you can see im still here...but im still battling with my demons. The knife is still here....but im just looking at it and battling with myself not to cut. I dont think i want to die...i want to feel something other than the grief/aggravation/pain im feeling at the minute. Of course i know how the effect would be on my child...its one of the reasons i havent actually done it yet..well apart from being an utter coward. As for people helping with the stuff im trying to deal with ive had enuf of that to last me a lifetime.
I wasnt looking for sympathy of any kind....I just needed to take my negative feelings and channel them...writing helps...to a point.
Again my deepest thanks for even bothering to comment. It was unnecessary but appreciated.
Thank you. x -
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gogsblogs
- 2008-04-21 @ 15:45:43
Oh well, that's all right then. I've been there myself, which is why I bothered. Good luck with getting through your problems. I wish you well. Gog...
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Hello, I don't know you, and you don't know me, however please don't do it, you have a child do you not? How will your child go through the rest of their life knowing that mum killed herself? What effect will it have on your child? What if you fail in your suicide attempt, and just make yourself really ill? You have problems, yes, but suicide is not the answer. Wait until your partner gets home, discuss things with him/her, speak to someone who can help you, in both your mental well being and your financial health.
Please don't let your child go through life without a mother. You feel you're at the bottom? Well the only way is up then, is it not? Put the knife away, think about everything good in your life, but don't kill yourself, please. I'm no expert, I'm just a fellow human being trying to help. Best Wishes Gog