Today im feeling the lowest ive felt for a long time. Im entertaining thoughts of just ending it ...once and for all!
I've read the literature on suicide...it doesnt make me feel any better.
Funny that people who write this stuff obviously havent felt the way i feel right now. I mean how can anyone know how anyone else is feeling REALLY.
The sky is blue...its cold but a gorgeous day. Ive animals runnin round the garden...my child is playin outside, my partner is away but due back in the next few days. I mean i should be happy...positive.
Im not. Im lonely. Unhappy...up to my neck in debt and i see no way out.
The fone calls keep coming. Ive written letters til my wrist hurts to explain my situation. I cant stop spending money i dont have. Not on luxuries...but on food and livin costs. I suppose i do spend on dvds but i have no social life to speak of so i was goin crazy sittin in the house. I think i have a gambling problem....im relyin on winnin to get me thru the week.
Ive got 18 yrs of rape n abuse bottled up. I see a psych....once a week is more than i can stomach. None of it helps. Talkin bout it doesnt help. It doesnt change my situation nor does it stop me feeling how i feel.
I feel like NOBODY...if i was invisible i would still be stepped on. No matter how many steps forward i take....there is inevitably someone there to push me back 5 steps for each one forward.
I cant see any end to this. Im writin this purely to stop me from pickin up the knife i have next to me and carving a lovely new line of notches in my arm. I'm a self harmer you see....and right now...the urge to cut is almost consuming.
I know this sounds like a load of self pity...it probably is. Im makin no excuses for that. Im tired of fighting to live.
I saw a mate yesterday. Shes got a relatively stress free life. I envy to the point of ridiculous. Wasnt one of the commandments supposed to be 'thou shalt not covet your neighbour'?
Im going to go outside and walk around....will it help? Probably not. But i have to try something.