Its happened. THE worst. Chance died at 1pm today. Rang home from work. My fella very lovingly told me...at which point I crumpled in a heap. After much leakage I pulled myself together enuf to get thru the rest of the days work. Sooooo glad my boss is on holiday. Don't suppose the tear streaked face look is the best image to project to potential customers. Who cares? Not me that's for sure.

I have to admit I'm more distraught at Chance dying than I was at my fiance dying 2 weeks before our wedding. Says a lot doesn't it. Was dreading coming home coz I knew I was gonna have to tell small child. Am amazed at the resilience of kids. They took the news a whole lot better than I did. (I'm still tear streaked and leaky)

Life is SO UNFAIR!!!!

It's 3 days now n 'Chance' my baby rabbit is still going strong.
He/She (dunno what sex it is yet so will just call it 'he' for the sake of argument), is feeding like a demon n getting stronger every day. Was a tad concerned this morning for 2 reasons.
a) he fell out of the nest box I have for him. He was ok. Was soooo not expecting him to be able to be so energetic yet...lol
b) he's lost weight. I'm not entirely convinced its a bad thing but I'm not so sure its a good thing either.
The vet reckons I should be feeding him every 2 hours but having bred rabbits for a number of years and I consider myself to be not stupid when it comes to this I think that this is serious overfeeding doing it this often. Plus the weight loss is occuring after being instructed to do this so I've decided to revert back to 4 times a day each feed being 3-5ml that I know he can cope with. Its all trial and error I guess. Each bunny is different. Besides I've never hand reared one from birth before so it's a learning curve all round. I'm in constant touch with the vet so I'm covered.
I feel like I've had kids all over again with all this sterilising and powdered milk lark. Plus I'm knackered and the stress of worrying that he might not make it is killin me...lol. My fella keeps laffin at me. I'm a real hard arse when it comes to animals and have a very level head normally. I can put out of misery without hesitation if the need arises and not think twice bout it....but baby bunny....oh yeah...I'm hooked.
I'm gonna be devastated if anything happens to him. Rationale tells me that I have to be realistic and accept that there is a very low survival rate for bunnies that are hand reared this early but you know what I can't help but compare him to me....he's a fighter.
Mind you...don't stop me worrying. Am gonna upload a pic when I get one. He's gorgeous!....
Other than bunny life is ok. Still working...hard!
We are trying for a baby. Should be challenging as I don't ovulate. The child I have now was a pure fluke so I'm told. They gave me a less than 2% chance of ever conceiving. Was told I had more chance of winning the lottery....(damn! shoulda put that ticket on!!!)....lol
Seriously though I'm a very lucky individual, although I firmly believe that if it wasn't for my child I would be dead now so I'm more grateful than most for the fact that I have one. Maybe there is more to the 'Him upstairs' theory than I would believe. It would be nice to think that someone or something is looking after us.
Anyways we are trying. He's definitely not duff as I made him go get his soldiers tested. Apparently he's really fertile. Hmmmm! Guess we are just gonna have to practice hard....oh no! that's gonna be such a chore!....LOL
Watch this space....maybe I'm gonna be able to write up here that I'm pregnant...now wouldn't that be nice? More happy news instead of doom n gloom!

Have decided to break the mould and write bout something happy! LOL
All this talk of dying I figured maybe I should write something nice. How bout a birth?

My bunny has had babies. Bitch killed them all bar 1. I've subsequently removed the remaining baby and am now attempting to hand rear the day old kit. This is gonna be an adventure. Poor mite...talk bout life in someone's hands!

I've reared bunny babies before but never this young. I was sorta hoping that mommy was gonna come round to the idea but after 3 attempts and 3 lots of murder on her behalf I've come to the conclusion that its not gonna happen with her. So the necessary removal of the newborn. I hate doing it but it deserves a chance so....

Its now nestled in a box in a quiet room with my child's microwaveable heat pack. Cozy or what? I've fed and weighed it and stimulated its genital area for defecation and urination both of which were accomplished with finesse!....Bravo Mommy!!!

I'm off to the vets tomorrow for some instruction on feeding techniques...don't want to drown the poor thing.

So all in all i'm kinda happy today. Happy days!

Its raining....AGAIN!!!....so much for global 'warming'. Global washout maybe. Normally I don't mind the rain...but after continual downpours I'm gettin a bit fed up with it. Not to mention the fact that coz its peeing down I cant get my animals outside and it makes them grumpy too!

I'm a touch worried too anyways. Normally I have a seriously healthy sex drive....well maybe too healthy....but lately I have to admit I really cant be bothered with it. Its not for any particular reason other than the fact that it just seems too much of a chore. Maybe its coz I'm workin too hard but I don't think so. Its just the whole effort thing. I just cant work myself up into gettin excited. And I have to tell you its the weirdest feeling ever.
I've spent my whole life using sex to get what I want or where I want to be and therefore its always been a massively important factor in my life. To suddenly find myself just not bothered with it is....well frankly it bothers me! Do you lose interest in sex when you hit mid thirties???

Life otherwise is ok...work work n more work so no different to the rest of the population there. Think I'm fucked up in the head though coz I cant help feeling that I was put here for more than work though. My thoughts these days are really random its scary.

Sat yesterday n nearly drove myself into a major panic episode coz I got to thinkin about dying and what it would feel like. Really pointless exercise coz of course no one knows and unless you have a really strong faith in some sort of religion its a really scary prospect. I was trying to imagine THE END!. It inevitably scared me stupid and then I got annoyed for being so stupid in feeding the thought in the first place. Its not a subject that sits particularly well with me anyways...which in itself is a huge contradiction in terms seeings as I've spent quite a bit of my life on one long suicide mission.. How bizarre!!!

I've given a lot of thought to the dying subject and I keep wanting to put it into some neat little box. It doesn't fit. I've attempted suicide a number of times but you know what?...I don't really want to die...well not at this minute anyways. I suppose I do at the time. Sometimes thoughts can get so heavy you can almost feel the weight of them pressing down on you in a truly physical sense. Its suffocating.

I've read a lot of literature on the subject of suicide and self harming and I've concluded that the 2 really have nothing to do with one another. I self harm too....but it has nothing to do with wanting to die. I've been doing it since I was 15 yr old. I still do it. It doesn't make me a huge suicide risk. The fact that I keep attempting suicide makes me a risk...not the self harming. In fact I would go so far as to say that the self harming actually prevents me from committing suicide.

Self harming for me is an escape...its a way of controlling the feelings and thoughts that I have swirling round my head. I cant control other aspects of my life which creates the thoughts n feelings that I have so I self harm. It releases pent up frustration/anger/grief and any other crap that I might be feeling at that time. When I got raped I lost all control....by self harming I regain my equilibrium if you like.

Anyways can any one person really counsel/relate to another?...I don't think so. Thoughts n feelings are individual....as individual as the person that creates them. No one can ever truly relate to them...there can be similarities I admit...but never true understanding.

Ok...I'm starting to get philosophical now...time to stop.

It's been a while since i wrote anything. Thought I'd better. It seems that I haven't had a downer for a bit...start of a new me???
Probably not!..ever the optimist...lol
How've things been?...manic really.
Started back to work....havin lost my car n then my job...I got my job back plus a vehicle plus more hours plus a pay rise...cant be bad huh? So nice to be appreciated.
However down side of havin more hours....less time to myself. Even less time to spend with small child. Not good. Specially as their waste of space bio donor is lookin for a perfect excuse to haul my ass into court again on the flimsiest excuse for a custody battle...bring it on!!!!
I'm gonna talk bout waste of space for a moment.
He's a cunt!
There...lol...no seriously he fucks me off more than anything in my life...and that's saying something as usually most things fuck me off one way or another.
He wasn't around...ever. I caught him cheating on me when small child was only a few weeks old...and I CANNOT bring myself to forgive and forget.
I know part of the problem is anger with myself for being so fucking gullible. He was travelling from one end of the country..having relocated me n small child to the opposite end (and had the audacity to say id taken small child away...he moved us ffs).
Why couldn't I have listened to the common sense side of me that said he was a twat....instead of thinkin that he'd come round to my way of thinkin and us be a family?
Oh well...that was bad enuf...but to then find he'd been playin away...and to find out over the fone with him laffin at me down it was just too much. I can honestly say that I wanted to pull the fucker thru the fone and rip his heart out and piss on it whilst he shut down in front of me.(It was such a nice image!.I'm sure images like that are gonna get me into a whole heap of trouble....like I care?! I have to be honest, when it comes to that cunt I don't give a fuck about much...'cept that if he keeps fuckin me over he's gonna need more than God to help him!!!!....no threats...just promises.
and guess what?
Years later and I don't feel no different. In fact I feel even more hatred for the cunt than I did previous.
They reckon that mothers have a protective instinct inbuilt. I think mine has mutated!
He's trawled me thru the courts for access and all that bollox. And due to the fuckin wankers that call themselves Fathers for Justice or whatever it was that they were called, the courts bowed to political pressure and gave the prick everything he wanted. I cant even take my own child out of the country on holiday for more than 4 weeks of the year. And they live with me and have done all their life. He wasn't even on the birth certificate and we sure as hell weren't fucking married...not even living together,in actual fact we'd split when I learned I was pregnant.
All he is doing is using small child to get back at me....he doesn't even have the backbone to deal with me one on one. Mind you ...no change there!
Ok...I've managed to work myself into psychopathic state now. I'm so glad he doesn't live near by.
I hate the way he makes me feel. I hate the way I allow myself to feel this way about something with less importance than a piece of scum floating on bathwater surface.
My partner even had the fucking nerve to ask me if I wanted to get back with him....(I can forgive him...ONCE!!!!)
You know what really fucks me off?....its the fact that he doesn't give a fuck about small child....take bank holidays for example. He without fail rings up to come up with a way of gettin out of the bank holiday visit...be it a later visit or an excuse not to visit ...coz he doesn't like the drive. AAAAW!!!!
Personally I hope that he wraps his car around the nearest crash barrier on the motorway on the way up! (without hurtin anyone else though!)
Where is his concern for small child? Where is the doing it for them? Where is the moving heaven and earth to make small child happy and to just be with them?
What adds insult to injury is the fact that he refuses to help with the costs. He pays maintenance (for what its worth..it doesn't even cover their toiletries let alone anything else)...but he has his maintenance reduced due to the fact that small child is there for x number of nights a year and he also claims travelling costs etc back so the maintenance is reduced for that too.
Having asked him to contribute to half the costs for school etc....I got laffed at for my efforts.
And every time I try to exert some control over things....I end up back in court.
I fucking hate the British justice system....its soooo fucking wrong.
If I thought I would get away with it I would have the fucker done over...but I know I wouldn't. I'd end up in shit for that too.
I was in a good mood....now I'm not.
Maybe I shouldn't have blogged today. Yeah well a problem shared...

I'm down!. Have just spent n hour trawling the local shoe shops to buy some shoes and trainers for my wee one. Having got 3 pairs of footwear..shoes for school, trainers and kick about shoes at unearthly prices for a child just outta nappies, I'm absolutely horrified to find that my child has turned into the spoiled brat from hell!
They started out being warned that any aggro in the shop and we would be buying zip...which was completely unrealistic as the child has gone up a full shoe size and if nothing had been bought I would be hauled up on neglect charges. However the warning in place, which usually suffices I might add, off we went.
The feet were measured and I picked out a semi reasonable pair of shoes that we both agreed on were ok for school. Hurdle no 1 overcome without too much trauma.
The 2nd pair for kickin about in weren't too much of an ordeal either....they picked out a delightful pair that we both liked and as it was their choice I was more than happy to concede defeat.
The trainers....I knew the good going was too good to last.
We came out of the shoe shop with the start of a major tantrum. Very unwisely I took small child into shoe shop number 2. We or rather should I say I found a suitable pair of trainers. My child hated them on sight. Unperturbed by the onset of a most outrageous tantrum I bought them anyway. I could've fed an entire room full of people for the amount I spent on shoes today.
The tantrum erupted full bore. Crying and whingeing enough to have people doing that 'Aaaahhh!' 'poor mite' thing. You know the way people look at a small child crying and you can see them thinking 'What have you done to them?' accusatory look. Yep...that was me...evil mommy.
What made it worse was that my small child then proceeded to try to get my partner to side with them.
As if it isn't bad enuf that they make you feel about 2 inches tall, they have to play you off one against the other and then they have the audacity to tell Granny that they didn't like them!
Soooo.....I'm unhappy and feeling crap. I feel like I'm failing as a mom. There's no instruction manual and I WANT ONE.....NOW!!!!!

It's Tuesday n already the botch up with days has started. I hate bank holidays. I never know what day it is normally without the added stress of trying to figure out what day it is after a bank holiday.
My man is poorly. Not just poorly but dying in fact....then again what else could he be?...its man-flu!
I'm going to have to strip the bed as he's left me a delightful puddle on it thanks to his profuse sweating...mmmm!....NICE!!!
My wee one was late for school this morning too....my ever so poorly man switched the alarm off...couldn't just hit the snooze button could he?...noooo!...had to turn it off altogether. He can be forgiven this time...seeing's as he's dying n all that. Wont be so forgiving next time though.
The weather is gorgeous here today. 2 days in a row....this isn't good. I get the feeling that we're being lulled into a false sense of security. Rain and lots of it will be just round the corner.
Did you see the tv prog called 'Flood' that was on over the weekend. I did n really had wished I hadn't bothered. I mean I live a million miles away from London but I do live near a sizeable body of water and the images on that programme did absolutely nothing to ease my ever impending sense of doom!. Maybe my paranoia is getting out of control.
Due to the 'nice' weather the insect population seems to have had a boom. Have you seen the size of the bees this yr?. My god! Who needs radiation experiments. Give them global warming. They've doubled in size from last yr. I'm phobic....and I mean phobic when it comes to bees. Its ridiculous really but there you go. Something else to add to my 'wonderful' genetic make-up.
I'm sure they have built in sensors too. I wonder if anyone has tested to see if bees can sense fear. Maybe someone should then get back to me to let me know. Every time I attempt to go out they attack. Its probably funny in one sense but believe me...after numerous narrow broken neck misses I don't find it funny no more. I'm sure I'm gonna end up agoraphobic if I don't combat it.
I went to see my shrink....she's decided that a visit to a local bee keeper might be the answer....errr!....I think if she really wants to risk being put on her ass as I try to hot foot it out of there then by all means...but I'm not the smallest of women and I wouldn't like to tackle me on friendly terms let alone hostile ones!!!!
Anyways I've been told to think about it. ...Thought!....Decided its not the answer.

Im still here!. Cant quite work me out though. Had a super day at work....am enjoyin it whilst it lasts seeing as im unemployed again after Friday.
In fact today my mood sorta suited the day. Fresh!
I wish my feelings and thoughts would stabilise though. I soooo dont need them yawing around the way they are. One minute im at the bottom (hence previous post..for which my apologies if i scared anyone...not intended!) the next im about as high as it gets.
I know everyone has swings of emotion and feeling but i feel like im on a permanent rollercoaster and it can be quite scary.
Im battling my revulsion for my appearance at the moment. I hate me!.
I have rolls that would put a bakery to shame....and my skin has reverted back to teenage hormone status. Im way past that ffs.
Wish i could put it down to bad living but i cant...unfortunately. I eat very healthily (ok i have the occasional choc bar thrown in...im human what can i say?) and i exercise regularly. I just cannot shift the weight.
My partner loves me as i am...but how can he?...honestly. No one...if they are being 100% truthful...likes the sight of pale wobbly flesh. Its vile!
I have a great personality im told....but you know what?...id swap it anyday for a svelte size 10/12 and clear skin.
I think i will go an watch an action movie...escapism works wonders!

Today im feeling the lowest ive felt for a long time. Im entertaining thoughts of just ending it ...once and for all!
I've read the literature on suicide...it doesnt make me feel any better.
Funny that people who write this stuff obviously havent felt the way i feel right now. I mean how can anyone know how anyone else is feeling REALLY.
The sky is blue...its cold but a gorgeous day. Ive animals runnin round the garden...my child is playin outside, my partner is away but due back in the next few days. I mean i should be happy...positive.
Im not. Im lonely. Unhappy...up to my neck in debt and i see no way out.
The fone calls keep coming. Ive written letters til my wrist hurts to explain my situation. I cant stop spending money i dont have. Not on luxuries...but on food and livin costs. I suppose i do spend on dvds but i have no social life to speak of so i was goin crazy sittin in the house. I think i have a gambling problem....im relyin on winnin to get me thru the week.
Ive got 18 yrs of rape n abuse bottled up. I see a psych....once a week is more than i can stomach. None of it helps. Talkin bout it doesnt help. It doesnt change my situation nor does it stop me feeling how i feel.
I feel like NOBODY...if i was invisible i would still be stepped on. No matter how many steps forward i take....there is inevitably someone there to push me back 5 steps for each one forward.
I cant see any end to this. Im writin this purely to stop me from pickin up the knife i have next to me and carving a lovely new line of notches in my arm. I'm a self harmer you see....and right now...the urge to cut is almost consuming.
I know this sounds like a load of self pity...it probably is. Im makin no excuses for that. Im tired of fighting to live.
I saw a mate yesterday. Shes got a relatively stress free life. I envy to the point of ridiculous. Wasnt one of the commandments supposed to be 'thou shalt not covet your neighbour'?
Im going to go outside and walk around....will it help? Probably not. But i have to try something.

Dunno what's come over me these past 2 posts....resorted to some sort of attempt at 'poetry'.(dare i deign it with the title...lol)
Im not morose usually. Just find it easier to write my bad stuff here instead of carryin it round with me.
I nightmare really badly you see. Usually when im stressed. Im already on adrenalin overload...(well so my doc says anyway).....so ive decided that writing all my negativity down is more productive and helpful to my cause. Hopefully by writing it down im not takin it to bed with me...
Well thats the theory anyways.
So thats my explanation for the 'poetry'...my apologies to anyone who writes poems on a professional basis...
Im just expressin myself thats all....