I dont normally want to associate myself with a particular group...id rather sit back and watch all sides bitching and pulling themselves apart to get their point across...however today i am going to have my say.

I can see both sides of the argument that fathers for justice are putting across. In a genuine case of a mother preventing a father from seeing their child i think it should warrant a cause for the fathers.

I cant be seen to be siding with any enemy as i am a parent myself...a single one at that who is currently fighting my childs father. Hes a twat and an utter waste of space and is of no benefit to my child whatsoever...however i do see the importance of that child having access to their natural father and would not prevent this from happening.

My point is simply this...is fathers for justice really about justice? Or is it just an excuse for the father to play the judicial sympathy vote and use it for all he's worth to get his own way. I think sadly its more often than not a case of the latter.

It would seem that any father of a mind to retaliate against a mother is using the 'fathers for justice' cause to bend the judicial system and get anything they want. Not just access to the child...which inevitably ends up being a pawn, in a very bitter argument between 2 adults, behaving an age less than that of a spoiled infant.....but to mothers being shunted to the background and not being given any rights at all.

At one time it used to be a case of mothers being given automatic rights....no longer. It doesnt matter if you werent married or lived together, or if the absent father isnt on the birth certificate....none of this is considered anymore. Now mothers are considered to be obstructive and argumentative by the judicial system and therefore are quite often dismissed by the courts.

Fathers for justice...as i understand it....want the same rights for absent fathers as mothers have. Mostly im all for it. As i said i can see the benefits of having the natural father in the childs life...even if the guy is despised. After all...arent the feelings of the 2 adults in this instance considered to be moot. It is supposed to be about whats best for the child....isnt it?
However how on earth can they justify generalising their cause. Each case for absent fathers is an individual one and me personally i feel as if the original reason that fathers for justice was created has been lost. Now ANY father...with ANY grievance is using this to manipulate the family courts to get their own way.

Anyways...this was just rattling round my head and winding me up excessively and needed to be put down....now i have im done.

p.s not an expletive in sight...well done me i think!!!!

Decorations strewn across ceilings and rooms
Trees appearing in windows everywhere
The whole scene has senses reeling
Manages for now to banish a sense of despair.

A news clip on a tv set
Shows more discord war and horror
Famine and poverty they want us to see
There will be no Christmas for these people tomorrow.

I've an ache inside
A longing to put things right
To give some children a sleigh ride
They'd long for on Christmas night.

Western world and all its greed
Makes me cringe inside and groan
Why can't all these people be freed
From a prison thats no making of their own.

Christmas is a time of peace and goodwill
A time to stand together and unite
Instead we have people who are out to kill
Rapists, murderers and bad people, all looking for a fight.

Christmas spirit creates a childlike innocence
Which adults are determined to spoil
None of it is making sense
Why can't parents, to their kids, remain loyal.

Take a moment to look around
At all the festivities and fun
Why then are you looking beyond
These people who are all alone?

Spare a thought for all the homeless
The lonely and the scared
For those who cannot help themselves
And for those who's souls are bared.

I can't put the world to right i know
I can't make war and horror go away
For some people there is no end to woe
Maybe peace can be reached for just one Christmas Day?

Im at work and very bored. I work in the building trade...says it all really.
My rabbit died last nite. Im sad. I will miss her. She had a belter character. Aggressive, stroppy and bad tempered but i love her to bits. She died suddenly...as a result of an injury inflicted by another rabbit. Life is cruel.
Im listening to radio 2...(how old do i feel?)...lol. Theyve got this article on about that girl who has refused the heart operation aged 13. You know i think people really need to stop in their tracks amidst these leaps forward in science. A lot of procedures that are available are made at a cost...ie ...they are painful. The girl has obviously gone through a massive ordeal...why shouldnt she make the choice about her decision to go through with the op...its her body after all. I think if i was faced with the choice i would much rather be at home surrounded by familiar, comforting things than be in a sterile? hospital waiting for the end. Death is scary enuf without takin us out of our comfort zone to face it. My thoughts....good on her for havin the maturity to speak out. Leave the girl alone. As for the hospital calling in the child protection services...what a bunch of twats. Dont they realise how they cant treat all cases the same? These are people they are dealing with...not a bunch of generalised guidelines. What applies to one case doesnt apply to all. The sooner this agency is torn apart and restructured with some common sense the better. Maybe then it will be able to fulfill the purpose that it was originally made for...saving and protecting children!!!

Have just finished a 'chat' with the CSA....ok..i lied...rant is probably more appropriate.
Yet again...no money.
Have made a monumental and pivotal decision. Politics here i come!
If i got elected into government the first thing i would do is burn this fucking department to the ground. They reckon fire is cleansing.
Secondly i would sack every fucking individual within the whole establishment.
Thirdly i would make it compulsory for every male who fathers a child to be tagged and documented. The only reason i say male is coz its a sad fact that most problems with parents are absent fathers. They enjoy the lay n then decide that the responsibility for any resulting pregnancy lies with the woman they slept with....er hello??? Are guys that childish they cant take a bit of responsibility for themselves and their penises???
Mind you in the interests of equality i think women should be forced to name the childs father on the birth certificates instead of having the cop out of not knowing. Sure they know. Unless they were comatose and then they shoud be forced to file a compulsory rape complaint.
Anyways...doing all of the above would at least enable them to attempt to get it right.
Hmmm.....Will come back to this..

its been some time since ive written anything. If im truthful...i couldnt be arsed. Besides i only use this to write the bollox that floats round my head. Ive been too busy to write...and too knackered. I am soooo tired that even that is wearing me out.
Im still trying to get pregnant...its soo not happening. Hes been tested and is fine...im duff...no pun intended.
Its not every day these days that i think bout my life....at least not in a way that brings me down. Im generally very happy n contented with my lot. Specially given the life ive had. Not many people can count themselves as fortunate as ive been.
Im miserable and i dont have the slightest clue why?
Is it the pregnancy not happening? I dont think so...im of the attitude that if it happens bonus...if it doesnt its no big deal as i already have 1 child. Besides im lucky to even have that one.
Is it work?..nah dont think so..i love my job.
Really honestly...i think im just fucked up in the head. I think ive got defective something in me that makes me down. Whatever the fuck it is i wish it would quit.
Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and PTSD...but i was always of the understanding that you could outgrow these? Maybe im wrong.
I know that every so often i can be living a relatively normal life n then the next thing i know im ....well....psychotic. Its so not funny. I hate myself. It doesnt help that no matter how much i try i cant like me at all. I look in the mirror and all i see is a fat lardy ugly cow...fuck if i was a dairy cow id probably be turning my own milk.
How can you learn to love yourself.
I blame the rape...i really have tried to not let the fuckers win. I get up every morning and tell myself its a new day and that i have to not let it get to me. I get all these images and thoughts going round my head at the rate of a cyclone and it depresses me. Ive been counselled...i run rings round them. It doesnt help that im intelligent ...way above average intelligent..sometimes i think theres something in being thick...you cant dissect everything and look for the be and end all reason for something and the way it ticks. It would be so nice to not give a fuck...but i do. I care way to much. I have a level of empathy for things that im sure is not healthy.(im the only person i know that cried at terminator 2!!!!)...seriously though...how fucked up is that?
I have no friends as such...the ones i did have have so let me down that its made me question my sense of judgement. I prefer the company of strangers.
Am i a loner?
Maybe i should look at the rape...i mean properly....then again...dont think im ready...is there ever a good time...its been over 15 yrs and i still cant bring myself to think about it. It brings the feeling of fear that i had then back...i hate it. It makes me mad too. Im not that person anymore. I suppose i have to be grateful to the whole thing too though...its made me who i am now ...personality ...i mean. people say im a nice person and im a good person to know....is it those whole horrible episodes that have made me this way...would i have been a bad person if the rape hadnt happened. It wasnt just the once either..it was all i knew from an early age...thats a long time and it wasnt just one person either...several. Life sucked then. But im still here so i guess i dealt huh? By rights the amount of times ive tried to kill myself i should be dead now.
Ive read the literature on what it means to be raped....how im supposed to feel....you know what?....i dont know what to feel. I should be angry..im not. I should be scared....im not. Its almost like ive just shut down that side of me...and yeah im supposed to do that too...but no one tells you how long it lasts for...i mean ffs its been over 15 yrs...surely i should be so over this now?
How do i feel? Ok...lets explore that.
DISAPPOINTED:
really disappointed. im disappointed in me..for still hanging onto this. Im disappointed in a system for letting me down. I would NEVER tell anyone to report rape. Its a crock of shit that you will be receiving justice. Reality check....nine times out of ten the offender will get a slap on the wrist and a hefty fine...you arent gonna get back what they took...even if they did get meted out a worthwhile sort of punishment. I used to want to put em thru the same shit....i dont no more. i just want them to fuck off and leave me alone.
Im disappointed in my friends and family...another reason for saying nothing and just dealing with it...no matter how close you are...it will still affect them and their judgement of you. They either pity you...or hate you if its a family member...or resent you for not having the bollox to fight them off and even worse blame you for allowing it or provoking it in the first place.
Im disappointed in my feelings and how they arent panning out like some leaflet in a rape clinic.
Most of all im disappointed in life. Nothing has any flavour or excitement anymore.
ANGRY: i dont think i am angry...anger doesnt cover it. Fury...now thats a word....or rage. It scares me how i get sometimes. Sometimes i picture scenes when im rowing with my partner of carnage. Its like something out of a movie. Alternate shots...1 normal argument...the other is blood guts gore and usually me in the middle of it in a red zone. Its partly why i dont lose my temper. Im afraid that if i do...all those years of abuse will finally get an outlet. I like my freedom too much...and even that is a contradiction in terms coz im trapped in my own vicious cycle of hell thats in my head.
Its late..am gonna go try to chill...(if only you could know how cold i am!) Relax thats what i need to do...yeah im running away again...SO WHAT!!!

Its happened. THE worst. Chance died at 1pm today. Rang home from work. My fella very lovingly told me...at which point I crumpled in a heap. After much leakage I pulled myself together enuf to get thru the rest of the days work. Sooooo glad my boss is on holiday. Don't suppose the tear streaked face look is the best image to project to potential customers. Who cares? Not me that's for sure.

I have to admit I'm more distraught at Chance dying than I was at my fiance dying 2 weeks before our wedding. Says a lot doesn't it. Was dreading coming home coz I knew I was gonna have to tell small child. Am amazed at the resilience of kids. They took the news a whole lot better than I did. (I'm still tear streaked and leaky)

Life is SO UNFAIR!!!!

It's 3 days now n 'Chance' my baby rabbit is still going strong.
He/She (dunno what sex it is yet so will just call it 'he' for the sake of argument), is feeding like a demon n getting stronger every day. Was a tad concerned this morning for 2 reasons.
a) he fell out of the nest box I have for him. He was ok. Was soooo not expecting him to be able to be so energetic yet...lol
b) he's lost weight. I'm not entirely convinced its a bad thing but I'm not so sure its a good thing either.
The vet reckons I should be feeding him every 2 hours but having bred rabbits for a number of years and I consider myself to be not stupid when it comes to this I think that this is serious overfeeding doing it this often. Plus the weight loss is occuring after being instructed to do this so I've decided to revert back to 4 times a day each feed being 3-5ml that I know he can cope with. Its all trial and error I guess. Each bunny is different. Besides I've never hand reared one from birth before so it's a learning curve all round. I'm in constant touch with the vet so I'm covered.
I feel like I've had kids all over again with all this sterilising and powdered milk lark. Plus I'm knackered and the stress of worrying that he might not make it is killin me...lol. My fella keeps laffin at me. I'm a real hard arse when it comes to animals and have a very level head normally. I can put out of misery without hesitation if the need arises and not think twice bout it....but baby bunny....oh yeah...I'm hooked.
I'm gonna be devastated if anything happens to him. Rationale tells me that I have to be realistic and accept that there is a very low survival rate for bunnies that are hand reared this early but you know what I can't help but compare him to me....he's a fighter.
Mind you...don't stop me worrying. Am gonna upload a pic when I get one. He's gorgeous!....
Other than bunny life is ok. Still working...hard!
We are trying for a baby. Should be challenging as I don't ovulate. The child I have now was a pure fluke so I'm told. They gave me a less than 2% chance of ever conceiving. Was told I had more chance of winning the lottery....(damn! shoulda put that ticket on!!!)....lol
Seriously though I'm a very lucky individual, although I firmly believe that if it wasn't for my child I would be dead now so I'm more grateful than most for the fact that I have one. Maybe there is more to the 'Him upstairs' theory than I would believe. It would be nice to think that someone or something is looking after us.
Anyways we are trying. He's definitely not duff as I made him go get his soldiers tested. Apparently he's really fertile. Hmmmm! Guess we are just gonna have to practice hard....oh no! that's gonna be such a chore!....LOL
Watch this space....maybe I'm gonna be able to write up here that I'm pregnant...now wouldn't that be nice? More happy news instead of doom n gloom!

Have decided to break the mould and write bout something happy! LOL
All this talk of dying I figured maybe I should write something nice. How bout a birth?

My bunny has had babies. Bitch killed them all bar 1. I've subsequently removed the remaining baby and am now attempting to hand rear the day old kit. This is gonna be an adventure. Poor mite...talk bout life in someone's hands!

I've reared bunny babies before but never this young. I was sorta hoping that mommy was gonna come round to the idea but after 3 attempts and 3 lots of murder on her behalf I've come to the conclusion that its not gonna happen with her. So the necessary removal of the newborn. I hate doing it but it deserves a chance so....

Its now nestled in a box in a quiet room with my child's microwaveable heat pack. Cozy or what? I've fed and weighed it and stimulated its genital area for defecation and urination both of which were accomplished with finesse!....Bravo Mommy!!!

I'm off to the vets tomorrow for some instruction on feeding techniques...don't want to drown the poor thing.

So all in all i'm kinda happy today. Happy days!

Its raining....AGAIN!!!....so much for global 'warming'. Global washout maybe. Normally I don't mind the rain...but after continual downpours I'm gettin a bit fed up with it. Not to mention the fact that coz its peeing down I cant get my animals outside and it makes them grumpy too!

I'm a touch worried too anyways. Normally I have a seriously healthy sex drive....well maybe too healthy....but lately I have to admit I really cant be bothered with it. Its not for any particular reason other than the fact that it just seems too much of a chore. Maybe its coz I'm workin too hard but I don't think so. Its just the whole effort thing. I just cant work myself up into gettin excited. And I have to tell you its the weirdest feeling ever.
I've spent my whole life using sex to get what I want or where I want to be and therefore its always been a massively important factor in my life. To suddenly find myself just not bothered with it is....well frankly it bothers me! Do you lose interest in sex when you hit mid thirties???

Life otherwise is ok...work work n more work so no different to the rest of the population there. Think I'm fucked up in the head though coz I cant help feeling that I was put here for more than work though. My thoughts these days are really random its scary.

Sat yesterday n nearly drove myself into a major panic episode coz I got to thinkin about dying and what it would feel like. Really pointless exercise coz of course no one knows and unless you have a really strong faith in some sort of religion its a really scary prospect. I was trying to imagine THE END!. It inevitably scared me stupid and then I got annoyed for being so stupid in feeding the thought in the first place. Its not a subject that sits particularly well with me anyways...which in itself is a huge contradiction in terms seeings as I've spent quite a bit of my life on one long suicide mission.. How bizarre!!!

I've given a lot of thought to the dying subject and I keep wanting to put it into some neat little box. It doesn't fit. I've attempted suicide a number of times but you know what?...I don't really want to die...well not at this minute anyways. I suppose I do at the time. Sometimes thoughts can get so heavy you can almost feel the weight of them pressing down on you in a truly physical sense. Its suffocating.

I've read a lot of literature on the subject of suicide and self harming and I've concluded that the 2 really have nothing to do with one another. I self harm too....but it has nothing to do with wanting to die. I've been doing it since I was 15 yr old. I still do it. It doesn't make me a huge suicide risk. The fact that I keep attempting suicide makes me a risk...not the self harming. In fact I would go so far as to say that the self harming actually prevents me from committing suicide.

Self harming for me is an escape...its a way of controlling the feelings and thoughts that I have swirling round my head. I cant control other aspects of my life which creates the thoughts n feelings that I have so I self harm. It releases pent up frustration/anger/grief and any other crap that I might be feeling at that time. When I got raped I lost all control....by self harming I regain my equilibrium if you like.

Anyways can any one person really counsel/relate to another?...I don't think so. Thoughts n feelings are individual....as individual as the person that creates them. No one can ever truly relate to them...there can be similarities I admit...but never true understanding.

Ok...I'm starting to get philosophical now...time to stop.

It's been a while since i wrote anything. Thought I'd better. It seems that I haven't had a downer for a bit...start of a new me???
Probably not!..ever the optimist...lol
How've things been?...manic really.
Started back to work....havin lost my car n then my job...I got my job back plus a vehicle plus more hours plus a pay rise...cant be bad huh? So nice to be appreciated.
However down side of havin more hours....less time to myself. Even less time to spend with small child. Not good. Specially as their waste of space bio donor is lookin for a perfect excuse to haul my ass into court again on the flimsiest excuse for a custody battle...bring it on!!!!
I'm gonna talk bout waste of space for a moment.
He's a cunt!
There...lol...no seriously he fucks me off more than anything in my life...and that's saying something as usually most things fuck me off one way or another.
He wasn't around...ever. I caught him cheating on me when small child was only a few weeks old...and I CANNOT bring myself to forgive and forget.
I know part of the problem is anger with myself for being so fucking gullible. He was travelling from one end of the country..having relocated me n small child to the opposite end (and had the audacity to say id taken small child away...he moved us ffs).
Why couldn't I have listened to the common sense side of me that said he was a twat....instead of thinkin that he'd come round to my way of thinkin and us be a family?
Oh well...that was bad enuf...but to then find he'd been playin away...and to find out over the fone with him laffin at me down it was just too much. I can honestly say that I wanted to pull the fucker thru the fone and rip his heart out and piss on it whilst he shut down in front of me.(It was such a nice image!.I'm sure images like that are gonna get me into a whole heap of trouble....like I care?! I have to be honest, when it comes to that cunt I don't give a fuck about much...'cept that if he keeps fuckin me over he's gonna need more than God to help him!!!!....no threats...just promises.
and guess what?
Years later and I don't feel no different. In fact I feel even more hatred for the cunt than I did previous.
They reckon that mothers have a protective instinct inbuilt. I think mine has mutated!
He's trawled me thru the courts for access and all that bollox. And due to the fuckin wankers that call themselves Fathers for Justice or whatever it was that they were called, the courts bowed to political pressure and gave the prick everything he wanted. I cant even take my own child out of the country on holiday for more than 4 weeks of the year. And they live with me and have done all their life. He wasn't even on the birth certificate and we sure as hell weren't fucking married...not even living together,in actual fact we'd split when I learned I was pregnant.
All he is doing is using small child to get back at me....he doesn't even have the backbone to deal with me one on one. Mind you ...no change there!
Ok...I've managed to work myself into psychopathic state now. I'm so glad he doesn't live near by.
I hate the way he makes me feel. I hate the way I allow myself to feel this way about something with less importance than a piece of scum floating on bathwater surface.
My partner even had the fucking nerve to ask me if I wanted to get back with him....(I can forgive him...ONCE!!!!)
You know what really fucks me off?....its the fact that he doesn't give a fuck about small child....take bank holidays for example. He without fail rings up to come up with a way of gettin out of the bank holiday visit...be it a later visit or an excuse not to visit ...coz he doesn't like the drive. AAAAW!!!!
Personally I hope that he wraps his car around the nearest crash barrier on the motorway on the way up! (without hurtin anyone else though!)
Where is his concern for small child? Where is the doing it for them? Where is the moving heaven and earth to make small child happy and to just be with them?
What adds insult to injury is the fact that he refuses to help with the costs. He pays maintenance (for what its worth..it doesn't even cover their toiletries let alone anything else)...but he has his maintenance reduced due to the fact that small child is there for x number of nights a year and he also claims travelling costs etc back so the maintenance is reduced for that too.
Having asked him to contribute to half the costs for school etc....I got laffed at for my efforts.
And every time I try to exert some control over things....I end up back in court.
I fucking hate the British justice system....its soooo fucking wrong.
If I thought I would get away with it I would have the fucker done over...but I know I wouldn't. I'd end up in shit for that too.
I was in a good mood....now I'm not.
Maybe I shouldn't have blogged today. Yeah well a problem shared...